Rambling Thoughts....

So, my oldest son is a Senior in high school this year. That totally blows my mind by the way. There is no way i am old enough for this! :) Seriously though, I can't believe how quickly the years have gone. My goal for this year is to make him a scrapbook of his life. This would seem a relatively easy task for most people, but for me the situation is a little different. You see, I have only been David's mom for a little over 8 years. I share all his memories from May 2002 until the present, but I have no pictures or anything from before that time.

In trying to make this the best album I can for him, I contacted his bio mom and asked if I could borrow her pictures and scan them so that the book would be complete. She agreed and I was so excited! A week later she brought me 6, yes 6 pictures. Seriously. Four of the pictures she brought me I already had thanks to my wonderful sister-in-law, so in essence she gave me 2 whole pictures. She told me they were doubles of hers, so I added them to the pictures I already had.

Well, tonight she walks in my house and asks for the pictures back. I was so dumbfounded I just looked at her. Then I told her I don't know where they are at the moment, which is true since I have been doing major cleaning this week. I am at a complete loss on this one. Does she really dislike me so much that she doesn't want to contribute to her sons graduation present? I just don't get that!

10/22/10
I started this post on 9/28/10. Since then I have really stewed over this issue....mainly because I still have not received any new photos and she still wants her 6 pictures back. However, I have come to a sense of peace over this whole thing. You see, I know that no matter if she contributes or not this gift will be cherished by my son. I know that with or without her pictures I will put tons of love into the project, and love is more important than stuff. Lastly, I know that she is the one that loses in the long run, and therefore it is her issue not mine.

Inside my head.....

are some thoughts that need to be out in the open for discussion. Sometimes things get stuck in there and I worry them until I feel like I need the opinions of others or I will go crazy. Sometimes seeing the words in print helps more than anything, but I truly do want to know what others think.

My nature is to be pleasant most of the time. I genuinely like people and want them to like me too. There are times that I can get irate, and unfortunately I haven't quite learned how to control my facial features when this happens. I also have a very black & white sense of right and wrong. I have a hard time seeing gray areas, and I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing. I think part of that is being an oldest child, but the majority is my past. I need to get over it, but some things are harder than others to reconcile.

I am a giver and I truly believe that if someone has a need I can fulfill then it is my job to fill it. I love to see people smile when a need is fulfilled. I love the peace that fills my heart when I know I have met a need. It's just who I am and I wouldn't want that to ever change.

Here's my "worry" though....I have a hard time understanding why others aren't the same way. I know that we are all made differently, but shouldn't we all have that same sense of meeting the needs of others? Even before I was a Christ follower I was this way, and the "gift" has only intensified in the 10 years sense. So, why aren't others the same? And more specifically, why aren't other Christ followers the same? I know that we all have differnt spiritual gifts, but Christ calls us all to give. Why does that seem so hard for some?

And even more than this, why aren't more people aware of the need to give to those who aren't Christ followers? And I guess this is the center of my thought....why don't people care more for those they know don't have Christ? Isn't that what our great commission is? Isn't that why we were created? Why can we call the sick church member who claims Christ, but not the unsaved spouse when they are sick? Am I crazy for even asking that? I don't think so.

So what this boils down too I think is that I don't understand the quick response to those who claim Christ, and the lukewarm response to those who don't.

Easter!

Look at these bright and colorful children! Aren't they beautiful?! Yes, I am a little biased since they belong to me, but still! I am amazed at how big they are getting. It seems like it was just a year ago that I was dressing them in matching outfits and snapping a thousand pictures of them hunting eggs, and going through easter baskets. Now they pick out their own outfits! We did have an egg hunt this year, but the batteries in my camera were dead so i got ZERO pictures of that.

As I look at this picture I am reminded of how even though they are dressed in new Easter clothes, they are all well aware that having a new outfit is not the best part of Easter. Every one of them know that Easter is the day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. And for that, I am thankful!

My Friend Sarah

This is my friend Sarah. She is an amazing woman and an inspiration to those who know her. She is a true picture of what grace looks like in action.

We met at The Gideons when we both worked there. My first impression of her was that she was someone who grabbed the joy in life and passed it on to others. She always found the humor in situations and loved to share. I think the best thing about Sarah is that she doesn't care what people think of her. She lives every single moment to the fullest. I love her for that.

Even though I have only known Sarah for 3 years, I have so many happy memories. One of my favorites is when we used to laugh about one of the vendors that called in on an almost daily basis. He didn't like me at all, but he always wanted to talk to Sarah! We would laugh every time he called! There was never a dull moment, especially if Sarah was telling the story!

Two years ago Sarah told us that she had breast cancer. Since then she has fought a good fight. She has held on, stubbornly, as have those of us who love her. The day she shaved her head we had a scarf party for her and had a blast! In the worst days we have provided meals or just sat with her, in the best days we have laughed. One day I picked her up from chemo and we went to Panera to eat. That was one of the best afternoons of my life as we just talked and laughed.

This week I have visited Sarah in hospice. Even in this, the last days of earthly life, she is smiling. I am amazed by her, inspired by her even. In conversations with her husband and family one can feel the peace even in this storm. As great as my selfish pain is, I am in awe of the love and faith of this family. Sarah is going home, but her legacy here on earth will carry on.

Changing Perspective

This week I started a project fully expecting it to be intense and tedious. I knew going in that it was a big project, and I came prepared. What I am getting out of it though is a great surprise.

You see, I signed up to clean a house from top to bottom. Not just any house, but a house that has not been cleaned in at least 6 months and is occupied by 1 person and 3 fur children. The fur children think they have to mark their territory all through the house which makes the cleaning process even more fun. My first impression of the owner of this home was that she is a sweet woman who just got overwhelmed by all that needs done.

Now to the surprise part...I am having so much FUN with this! The woman I am cleaning for is the sweetest, and she just speaks her mind. She could be me 30 years from now! I never would have thought that this type of deep, intense cleaning could be this much fun! Yes, there is dust and grime an inch thick on everything, and yes there is dog pee on all the corners of everything, but the fun I am having is worth it.

This project will likely take me at least 2 weeks to complete...at least the cleaning part....and then on to the organizing of her things to make it easier to clean in the future. I expect every hour I am there to be full of hard work and tons of fun!

Huh? Really?! I don't think so.......

Okay, so I get home from dance last night and there is a new message on the answering machine. Normally this is no big deal, but Thursday's are "special". You see, that's the day the Judge told my ex-husband that he could call our 2 girls. That was almost 8 years ago......and the Thursday night call hasn't happened in close to a year, and in the 3 years before that it happened about once every 6 months or so. I guess you could say that because he didn't feel the need to call on a regular basis I no longer feel the need to answer the phone.

Back to the point here...the message last night. Apparently this man who used to think a fun time was beating the tar out of me has found someone else willing to marry him. In his message he demanded that I bring the girls to his wedding in April. No "I would like to visit with them and introduce them to my fiance"...no "can the girls please attend the wedding"....just a flat "my girls will be at my wedding".

My first response was loud laughter! My second response was anger. Really?! After 4 years of not even an attempt to see these 2 precious children you want them at your wedding?! I Don't Think SO!!!

I know that sounds mean and maybe even vindictive, but it's not. For the first 2 years after our divorce I sent my sweet babies to supervised visitation every Sunday afternoon. I would spend the whole 4 hours in fear that he would hurt them somehow. When I remarried and moved away I had to let them go with him for 8 hours over the course of 2 days. And that was even harder. And then 4 years ago he just stopped. I hate to admit it, but I was happy! I no longer had to worry about their safety every time they were with him.

I would like to be able to be the kind of person that could just say okay, and drive them north 5 hours for this sham of a wedding, but the reality is that at this point in their lives, they have no real idea who he is. It would cause them to be confused and anxious, and I refuse to put them through that. Not to mention the fact that I know absolutely nothing about the person he is marrying, and would never allow her to be around my girls without meeting her first.

I feel better writing this all out. Sometimes it is therapeutic just to get down what is rumbling around in my mind!